Glitz Guide: Self-love

This past year I experienced a lot of loss. My Grandpop died in October, I broke things off with two boys I really, really liked but saw no future with, and I lost the happy life I was living until a global pandemic threatened humanity. But one thing I didn't lose? Myself. Through all the tears, the pain, the depression...I realized that I was the only one I could truly count on to make me happy. I had to love myself to get through it all. 

I want to preface this by saying I do still have bad days. Days I look in the mirror and point out my flaws. Days I struggle with my own self-worth. It's by no means an easy journey, but I'm working on it. I want to share my experience so maybe you can learn something -- take that first step to start healing. Realize you're so amazing and special and deserve all the happiness in the world.

Dating

The biggest concept I had to self-accept was that I am able to be happy on my own. For the longest time I thought having a boyfriend would solve all my problems. I had friends who were getting married, having children...but what was I doing? Sure I had just moved to New York City and was making new friends and meeting new people, but no luck on love. I has definitely dating more than I did in Denver, so why was I still single? I was convinced it was me. Boys didn't want to be my boyfriend because there was something wrong with me. I was too fat. I was too loud. I wasn't enough.

I absolutely loathe the phrase "if he wanted to he would." Fuck that. It's the underlying message -- if you were good enough for him he would try harder. Why should a man decide your worth in any way? Why do only his needs deserve to be met? But also, why are you putting so much pressure on him? Maybe he's afraid to reach out because he's unsure how you feel? Now, I am someone who LOVES to talk (if you couldn't tell by the fact that I have a blog). I'm always on my phone talking or texting or posting on social media. I simply love staying connected with people I care about. But the men I was dating were the opposite. I don't think I've had a phone call with a guy since 2018. I would excuse their behavior of taking hours or days to get back to me. "They're just really busy," I'd think, "they have a lot going on." As if I wasn't working a full time job AND grieving the loss of my grandfather AND being on the board for my marketing organization AND trying to just keep my head above water? Even on my busiest days I check my phone every once in a while for a break. But I just accepted that I wasn't good enough to text back until 12 hours later. It was okay that they would make plans with me and then cancel because we all have stuff to do. But you know what? It's not okay. It takes ten seconds to text someone back. Even to just say you're busy and can talk later. But you know what else I wasn't doing? Communicating my needs. I was getting so worked up and upset meanwhile these boys were clueless. How could they have known I was unhappy if I wasn't saying anything? Sure you don't want to come off as clingy or needy, but if you are having an issue with someone you are dating you have every right to stand up for yourself. "Hey Harry, I understand you're busy but it makes me feel anxious when you take a full day to respond to my message. I'd appreciate it if you were more open with me as I'm receiving mixed signals from you." Boom. That's it. It's not mean, it's not clingy, it's the truth. And if he's a prick about it then block him and move on. If your partner doesn't care about how you're feeling than they shouldn't be your partner anyway. 

Maybe instead of saying "if he wanted to he would" tell yourself "this person is not meeting my needs." We hold the people we date to such high standards but at the end of the day everyone is human. Everyone has different wants. If this person isn't on the same level as you, then the best decision you can make is to move on. It can be tough, but I promise you'll feel better at the end of the day and will open up your heart to let someone who really cares about you in. The faster you let go, the faster you can heal.

Friends

I truly believe the people you surround yourself with reflect who you are. When I first moved to New York, I only had one friend from my childhood that I would hang out with (love you, Tori!). Otherwise, I depended on work to make friends. I started to become friends with the other girls in my cubicle area (in engineering, there aren't many of us) and soon became part of the office clique. Then I started dating one of the guys in the clique, so everyone was happy. We'd all hang out, have lunch together, and grab drinks after work. But when I broke up with this guy, everything changed. All of a sudden I was an outsider. How dare I break up with him and create riffs in the clique? How dare I have my own thoughts and feelings? I constantly felt like I had to prove I was worthy of their friendship. Even though my ex was spreading sexually explicit things about me around the office, I was the one who had to prove I wasn't a shitty person. I had such Stockholm Syndrome I was afraid that if I left and found a new job to further my career, I would be tossed to the side. I wouldn't have friends anymore. And you know what happened when I left? Just that. I was devastated. Why did no one want to be my friend? What had I done? How could they still be friends with my ex but not me?

Only through talking it out in therapy was I able to see the truth. These people weren't my friends, they were never my friends. I couldn't count on them for anything other than a companion at the office and a work happy hour. I couldn't talk about dating because it would get back to my ex, we never hung out on weekends...they were, simply put, coworkers. So one day I decided to move on. I went on my social media and unfriended/unfollowed all of them. What was the difference if we weren't really friends to begin with? And then I found new friends. I went on Bumble BFF and I met some of my closest and most cherished friends who do hang out with me on weekends and who I can complain about my dating life to. I know I can count on them when I need, and that our friendship goes both ways. I read an article recently that said the female friendships you have in your life have a bigger impact on your mental health than your relationships. And now that I am surrounded by strong, beautiful women, I myself feel strong and beautiful!

Body Image

Here's something controversial: I hate weight loss transformation videos. Despise them. You know why? Because the message is "now that I'm skinny my life is so much better." Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they have taken control of their bodies and have had great success. But as someone who struggles with my weight, it's also very discouraging. I have an eating disorder, I don't leave the house some days out of pure disgust over myself...it can get pretty bad. And I used to be so obsessed with those videos and side-by-side photos. "One day," I thought. "one day that will be me and I'll post about it and everyone will be so shocked." Spoiler alert: it's never happened. And you know why? Because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I wasn't doing it for my health, I was doing it for vanity. I was doing it so I could get outside validation from random strangers on the internet. And seeing videos like that brings out that deep-rooted want, that hidden desire to be the envy of others. But that's just a recipe for failure. And it took a long time for me to realize that. 

Now, do I still want to lose some weight? Absolutely. But now I'm doing it for my health, not so I can seek that validation. I'm doing it so I can go on bike rides with my friends through Central Park without needing a break. I'm doing it so I can travel to Peru and climb up to Machu Picchu one day. That new number I want to see on the scale is no where near what it used to be. I'll never be a size 2...I'm just not built for it. I come from a long line of Eastern European women with big boobs and broad shoulders. And I've come to terms with that and, if anything, I'm relieved. When you let go of that societal pressure and start thinking about what you really want for yourself, it's cathartic. Losing weight for health is a lot different than losing it for appearance. Sticking to a diet/exercise plan takes a ton of mental strength, and I've learned if I'm more focused on how I look vs how I feel I almost always fall off the wagon. But allowing for slip ups and allowing for bad days while still keeping that end goal in mind is when I will see success. It's so cheesy but it really shouldn't be a diet, it should be a lifestyle change. Set small victories. Instead of opening a bag of chips after I log off for the day I will call my best friend and go on a walk around the neighborhood. Instead of ordering delivery when I don't want to cook I will walk to the restaurant to pick up my food. Find what works for you, not what works for someone you've never met on TikTok.

Everyday I look in the mirror and I tell myself: "You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are enough." Some days I cry through it, some days I roll my eyes. But I still say it because I know I need to hear it. I have less anxiety. I have fewer depressive episodes. I'm finally starting to like this body I live in, and I never thought I'd get here. But one day you'll do the same. I believe in you! The first step is releasing all these blocks you've set up in your way. Start knocking them down. Start loving yourself, baby!